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Ginger
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| I'm very happy, happier than I was since I posted my last entry.
I've finished my second full-length novel/story and I'm starting on my third! It's titled "Torn" and I'm not sure if I'll stick with it, but who knows? I'm enjoying writing from first person, even though third person point of view is so much better and...free. But I'm enjoying writing it, and that's the main thing I suppose.
Blurb/summary: Melanie never did attract many boys, and is heart-broken when Trent has to move away for six months. But now she has to choose between the guy she loves and the very charming and mysterious Jack Ivory. She is torn.
So yup.
I'm happy.
And that is all. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| So I haven't been on this thing in a while, but I need a place to vent -- AGAIN. So many things have changed in such little time I have no idea how to handle them anymore. I'm scared of so much more than I used to be. Confused, I'm almost wrapped up in my own little world I haven't noticed much except change. I hate it that so many things are happening, piling up, but they aren't stopping.
They won't stop.
It's hard for me to talk about this with anyone, even my best friend who knows everything about me. Every little detail. She's part of the problem. Don't get me wrong, she's great. Absolutely wonderful. I would never ask for her to be replaced, because she's the best person in the world. She's realistic, but really happy and awesome at the same time. I love her. She's like my sister. We're exactly the same, but completely different. We eat pies the same, we drink ice cream in milk, we like black together, we both enjoy the same music, we're always at each other's houses and we miss each other way too much if we don't see each other after a few days.
But she's beautiful. And not a 'aw, she beautiful' type of beautiful, its a 'whoa, she's so stunning, gorgeous and beautiful, etc'. I can't help but be envious of her looks. She's like...fire. That's the best way to explain her. She knows what she wants and she'll reach out to grab it. Her hair is pretty. Her face is pretty. Everything about her is pretty. And then there's me. The little 'ginger' girl who follows her around. I can't help but compare myself to her in every aspect. She's perfect. She gets the guys. She's the one who people want.
This never used to bother me, and I'm wondering why its bothering me now. I don't want that to get in the way of our friendship, because she's always been my mother. In many ways, she created me. She helped me climb out of my shell. Before I met her I was a weird, hyper kid and had absolutely no personality. She woke me up -- she's like my light. One might think I'm in love with her. But I'm not. I'm just so grateful. I wouldn't be the person I was today if it weren't for my best friend. There's no one who knows me like she does.
All my life I've been bullied, taunted, tormented, treated like shit -- whatever you want to call it. As a result, my self-esteem is very low. I hate my image, I hate myself. I see all the bad in me, and all the good in others. I'm shy, I get scared easily and I don't trust people easily. Once someone gets to know me, I'm loud, I'm on-going and I'm interesting.
I guess the problem is that I like someone.
Really, really like someone.
I only met him at least five weeks ago, and I'm already really interested in him. Every time I see him I get really excited. He's a good guy, and he isn't awful to me like most are. Cute too. He's tall, maybe a bit thin but I don't care. Pale, nice-looking skin, and the most gorgeous eyes. They are like...liquid chocolate. They are so pretty -- I just want to bottle them up and keep them for myself. Pretty. Amazingly pretty.
But he likes my best friend, I can tell.
And it's killing me, because she's always gotten the guy.
She knows I like him, and she's in love with this other guy (whose really, really good for her). But he LIKES her. It's cutting me up and I have no idea how to tell her that I want to look like her. I want to look normal.
Ugh.
Sometimes I wanna run away and hide in a hole.
I keep getting cravings for lollies.
Lollies are my friends. | | |
| Wow. I'm really on a roll with this updating on my JL thing. I think I'm finally remembering through my day to update. It's really nice to look back on the stuff that I've written before hand.
I have a problem (isn't there always a problem?; I hear myself asking).
It's becoming increasingly easy to with draw myself from my little group of friends. Sometimes, I wonder if its because they dont care. Other times I wonder if its because I'm not as glamerous, fashionable or skinny as them. But I think that's stupid to degrade myself in such a way. I'm not emo, punk, or goth. I'm not depressed, or cutting myself.
Just lonely.
Really lonely.
There's no one there for me. My friends either are the stupidest people on the face of the earth and cant tell that there is anything wrong, or their just completely, utterly and mentally blind.
I'm opting for the latter.
I feel closer to "Magree" (as I've mentioned in an earlier entry, that's not actually her name, I just dont want to say it, in case there's the slight chance she might actually see this). I dont know why, but she seems to understand me more, and knows what I'm going through. Treats me like I'm equal, and I like that very much. She welcomes me, and its nice to know she doesnt think of me as someone who's just, to simply put it, there.
It's a wonder I continue to go to school. I can't take the people there anymore. I just can't. The way they treat me, it's like I'm underneath them. Like I'm not even good enough to touch the dirt they walk upon. It's demeaning. And I hate them. Hate them all.
I wonder if they even notice I'm there (my friends). I wouldn't be surprised at all if they ignored me half the time. It's not at all a shock to me. I wonder why.
I wonder.
This is sorta how I'm feeling at this very moment.
If there had to be something describe it, it would be torn. I cant even explain how feel to myself. That's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard. It's odd. So odd.
In short, things seem pointless.
So utterly pointless that I dont get anything anymore. Whats with people these days? Why are they so crude, horrible and hurtful? Why would anyone get pleasure out of watching someone else suffer, someone else be in pain? How can that be something someone enjoys? How? Teasing is fine, but when it hurts, it hurts.
Don't know what to do anymore.
If I talk to someone, they'll think I'm depressed, and I'm not. I hope. If I try to explain how I feel, what I feel, I only get angry. So angry at everything and everyone around me. People just need to learn to be mature about things. Discrimination. I hate it.
UGH.
I'm out.
| | comments: Leave a comment |
| 
Today I cleaned my room & let me just say, it was hardly easy. Took at least half the day, & I was so tired I slept until 2pm. I havent had such a long nap in ages. I was kind of surprised that I got the job done too.
I have a nasty habit of putting things off til the last minute, & then I wonder why everyone thinks I'm a lazy little shit.
Ah well, I'll live. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Have you ever felt like your sinking? & you dont know why? Sinking isn't the right word. Drowning. I dont get it, but I do.
I'm tired. I'm tired of pretending that I'm happy, when in actual fact, happy is a feeling that's so rare to me, I dont even remember what it feels like. The last time I was truly happy was so long ago I can hardly remember it. & that's the dumb thing, I should be able to remember the good times, the bad times, even the boring times.
My friends are changing. I hate change. My one friend, let's call her Magree, doesn't want to see me anymore. & it hurts to know that she doesn't deem me worthy of her company. Maybe its something else. Maybe it was something I've said or done to make Magree practically hate me. I dont really understand. She lies about when she cant come to see me, & when I call, she ignores the phone or lies about not being there.
Another friend, let's call her Lyn, I'm worried about more than anyone could imagine. I've watched her just fall deeper and deeper into the darkness & I dont know if I can get her out. She's grumpy, sad & does things she normally wouldn't do. I love Lyn, she's my best friend. But sometimes I feel like I dont know her anymore.
There's another one, let's call her Cee, who talks about hurting herself & 'ending it all'. Sometimes I wonder if she's ever tried to kill herself, because it woudn't surprise me in the least. I dont know how to make her feel better, nor do I understand the pain & suffering I see her going through.
Theres nothing I can do, and it's tearing me apart.
Sometimes I wonder if it's my fault. Have I done something to my friends to make them hate me so much? What is it that brings on the sadness, & the talk of suicide & pills & drinking & drugs? I dont want them to meddle in things they could get so deeply caught in. It's hard to explain to them that I'm worried without them blowing up at me, saying I dont understand.
Maybe if they told me, I would understand.
I can't take it.
Maybe I'm not as good a friend as they used to say.
Maybe I cant listen as well as I thought I could.
Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe.
--- On lighter notes, I went to the movies with my long-term "crush" yesterday & I feel like I could fly. He actually listened to everything I had to say, & even though he may not like me the way I like him, at least I can be a good friend. There's nothing wrong with liking your friend. It's hard to ignore the feelings. He really is blind.
---
Going back to the darker note:
I dont have anyone to talk to anymore. So I guess I use the JL.
Peace.
P.s.
It was my brother's birthday party yesterday, & now there's all these kids running around in my house. I can't get any sleep, nor can I ignore the abysmal sounds their making. They won't shut up. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Okay, I lied in my last entry.
All those things on my mind, they aren't the only stuff clouding my judgment. There's a whole lot more going on, & I think I owe it to myself to just let everything out. It's kind of awkward though, talking to a computer screen. Sometimes I imagine people actually read this. Haha. That's a real laugh.
There's a guy (isn't there always?).
I've known him for two years, & at first I hated him because I didnt like the way he was so cocky & stuck up about everything. But as I got to know him, I found that I really liked him. & so now I've been crushing (if you could call it that...) over him for about a year & half now. That's a long time considering all the guys I've liked in the past.
He's just really cool & laid back about everything.
But there's a problem.
He's blind.
No matter how much I flirt with him, he just doesn't seem to get the idea. I dont expect him to like me, but he can't even tell if I like him or not. Argh. It's hard, because I'm such a shy person when it comes to annoying shit like this. To be frank, I'm scared of rejection. But Isn't everyone? Doesn't everyone worry that the guy they like won't ever like them back?
This is so annoying.
I feel so stupid for whining like a little kid, but I had to get that off my chest. It's been on my mind for ages, ages & ages...
Gosh.
Love is retarded.
| | comments: Leave a comment |
| I just realized that I haven't uploaded this thing in a while. & it seems every time I need to vent something, I always come to my JL. I suppose it will probably remain that way, erratic entries. Although, I'm pretty sure nobody reads this anyway.
I'm very annoyed about a couple things, & they dont seem to be going away, so I'm going to say something I've been meaning to say for a while;
I hate stereotypes.
Today I was talking to this girl in my LTC class, & she told me the stupidest thing that I've ever heard. She said she wanted to be an emo. Now I'm not saying there's anything wrong with emos, because to be quite frank, a lot of my friends are emos, or at least, they dress like them. But I dont think you choose whether or not your "emo". Emos, to me, are people who aren't happy with themselves, or depressed, or whatever. They have a reason to be the way they are.
But this girl said she wanted to be like them! I dont understand. She's a happy person. She likes bunnies. She greets people with hugs and 'Oh my god I missed you!'s. She skips around to hip hop music. She likes High School Musical.
Get the picture?
But I'm very confused, you see. This doesn't make any sense. Depression, or unhappiness isn't something you want. It's something that you get because your unhappy with yourself or your life. I wouldn't want depression, I wouldn't want to be sad all the time.
I dont get it.
The second thing on my mind goes a little something like this;
I have freaking writers block.
This is like the end of the world to me. I'll write a couple of chapters on a story, & then mins later delete it all because I'm really unhappy about it. It's scaring me because I've never had writer's block in my entire life. Ever. Writing is my life, it's like my drug. I need to write to get everything off my chest or else everything while explode, & I'll be like a million tiny pieces floating around in space.
I have panick attacks when I can't finish chapters. I need paper bags to calm me down, because nothing else works. & it's freaking me out. I dont know what to do to get rid of the writers block, & I've tried everything from taking time off from writing, to writing everything that comes to mind & then seeing what I like about it.
AHHH.
This isn't good. NOT GOOD. I feel like there's someone inside my brain, & their laughing sadistically at me because I can't get a couple of sentences down on paper without hating it all and getting rid of it.
I think I need a holiday or something because my brain is going on overload.
The very third thing floating around my mind is the fact that I think I have a growing obsession for vampires.
I blame the Twilight series & probably the most wonderful writer known to man kind -- Stephenie Meyer.
Every time I go to the book store, I find myself in the vampire section. They have a freaking vampire section! I think I'm in heaven, truly. So the fact that I have writers block doesnt seem so bad when I'm emgered in a vampire romance novel.
I think Edward is the sex, & if they dont do a good job on the movie, I will most likely die of hatred. Once I've died I'll come back & haunt those who didnt make it everything it should be.
It seems Jacob Black is pretty sexy, hot & steaming too. I wouldn't mind tapping that.
The Twilight series are almost as good as sex.
& that's saying something.
& I'm so lucky I get to admire this every single day from my bedroom window. Its prettyful, I believe.
| | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| Today I remembered about this account. I dont think I've updated in a month. Maybe less.
But I'm proud of myself. Today I realized that I may haven't have finished this story (I'm Feeling Lucky) but I'm coming close. & I'm so proud of myself for that. I always start stories, & then I never seem to finish them. This one seems to be sticking on me. I dont know what it is, but it's sticking.
&& I'm PROUD!
---
In other news, I feel like rambling about something I feel I dont get to ramble about enough.
Guys are stupid.
Why, why why why why would you give someone the impression you like them, && then let them find out weeks after they've been crushing on you, that you hate them. I DONT UNDERSTAND. How stupid can you get? Why? I just dont get it.
& now I have to sooth a heart-broken best friend, who's crying over the god damn idiot. He didnt even have a good personality. It was pain-stakingly obvious that he hated her.
Poor, poor naive girls.
I, for one, will try not to fall for the same thing she did.
Try. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I don't understand why people can't just be polite.
Today, when I was shopping, I passed a woman who was fighting with this man. From what I garthered, the man pushed her over and walked to the counter when the lady was standing there first.
I think that's really rude, especially since the lady was saying that it hurt.
And the man just stood there shooting insults at her everytime she tried to speak. The guy refused to apologise, and told her that she was an idiot for thinking there first.
So impolite god damn.
| | comments: Leave a comment |
| Today, I swear, I got the most awesomest, sexist Rise Against wallpaper, in the world.
It's it just lovely?
I think its, honest to God, one of the best ones I've seen. :D
And that's I think. My life is boring as usual. | | |
| | Tags: | hair colours | | Current Music: | Radio | | Current Location: | Bed | | Time: | 04:01 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_boy/angry.gif) pissed off |
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| Today I saw something that I thought was horrible.
I saw a bunch of guys picking on this girl because of her hair colour. To me, that's really stupid because I've got her hair colour. An orangish red colour, that I really, really love. I've never been picked on for my hair colour, but this girl was.
It was really hard not to cool over there and slap those guys so hard that their grandkids would feel it. But I didn't want the girl to be picked on even more when I was gone, I would have made it even worse.
I just really think people are too judgemental these days. I mean who effing cares about hair colours? It's really, really stupid and really, really immature.
I hate it.
Just because this girl was unique and born with a very pretty shade of hair colour, these kids are picking on her for it. It's horrible, and everything they said looked really hurtful. I can't believe anyone could be that uncompassionate.
Even worse, her friends stood around, laughing with these guys. It took all of my power not to march over there and show the girl how to stand up for herself.
Honestly, some people disgust me. | | |
| I think if someone could, they could die from eating too many lollypop's.
That's exactly what I did today, I found a huge, massive, enormous jar of sugary goodness (chuppa-chup lollypops!?) hidden away in the back of the cupboard. Yeah. I ate them all. Not one, not three, not five, but the whole jar.
That's a lot of lollypop's, and now my stomach is killing me. I think its going to punish me tomorrow at school, and that will not be fun since the exams and assignments are rolling in.
Yay, for me, right?
I really hate the end of term--and I never thought I'd ever say that, but I have. Your teachers are like raw eggs that have been left in the sun for three days, the assignments are almost as boring as listening to a tape on Quantum Physics for five hours on your way to a camping trip, and everyone is stressed.
Including me. But then again, I always find reasons to be stressed. It's obscenely annoying sometimes, I must admit. But there's not much else you can do when you've got work being thrown at you left, right and center.
I'm sorta proud of myself though.
I actually remembered to update this thing. This may become a regular thing for me. Although I really hope no one is reading this, that would just be weird.
But hey, that's what you get when you sign up for a journal on the net.
Hm. Not much else to say.
Oh, and my olsar still hasn't gone after my friends refused to let me get away without putting something on it. Apparently I was driving them insane with my whining, but what are friends for?
I hate it when they overpower me. Damn.
In other news, I'm going to ramble about something that has affected me greatly in the past twenty-four hours. That being that I am not a person of God. I dont believe in Him, and I dont think I will.
I dont care if anyone believes in God. And seriously, I dont care, most of my friends believe in him. Okay, so its three of my friends who believe in Him. They're close to me, and what we believe in doesn't come between us.
But yesturday I met a girl who asked me if I believed in God. When I replied, saying no, she flew off her rocket and decided to scream at me the reasons why she couldnt be my friend anymore and how I was a complete disappointment to her.
Err? I'm very confused.
She told me I had until Monday to decide I believe in God or she wouldn't be my friend. And I think she's very cool--apart from the fact that she's now ruined our friendship by judging me.
Because I dont believe in something she does.
I think this is wrong on a lot of levels. Sure, she believes in God, but that is no reason to stop believeing in friendship.
So, yup.
I'm sorta bumed about the whole thing since she was a really cool person. I'm not changing my values for anyone.
Okay, maybe that's not true. Maybe I'll change for Jensen Ackles.
If anyone tells me that this man is seriously not good-looking, I swear I'll come murder you in your sleep. | | |
| One last thing before I abandon the computer in search of food.
I have an olsar. Inside of my mouth, just above my jaw line. If someone punched me right there, I'd most probably die of pain. & I dont really feel like dying, not just yet.
This Olsar is like the Olsar of Evilest Evil, & its been there for....about a week now. I can handle small ones, but this one hurts & stings like crazy. What's even worse, I have to see the dentist on Monday.
I hate the dentist. & with this stupid olsar, I'm gunna hate it even more.
Oh, shoot me now.
I honestly can't be bothered to put that olsar relief stuff on it. Because one; it never works, I know it doesn't because I've tried it before, & It Did Not Work. & secondly because I hate the clear, gel like stuff it is--I mean, you've gotta put that yucky stuff into your mouth.
No Thank You.
I'd rather live with the pain.
Because I'm just brave & heroic like that. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Well, hello there.
For some unthinkable reason I have decided to make a Live Journal. For those who know me, this is probably very surprising, since I like my private life. I'll probably forget about this thing anytime soon anyway, that's just the way I am.
& that really isn't good, is it?
But obviously, if I'm going to keep at this thing, I'll probably have to make some friends on here. Although, I'm so busy I probably won't be able to. & the thing is, I feel incredibly stupid talking to my computer, even if people will read this, it still feels insanely weird.
Ah well. We'll see how this thing goes. Might get some friends to join up, just to keep me entertained.
I suppose the reasons for making this are the following:
1. It's Saturday, and being the anti-social twat I am, I haven't made plans. So I'm sitting here, at my computer desk, scolding myself for the stupid person that is me.
2. I will be bored in the near future, I am sure, and I'll need something for entertainment. Yes, it's sad, but oh-so true.
3. I need a way to get my fingers typing, and I already do writing. But sometimes, on the rare off times, I don't feel like writing or working on my stories. So I'll probably use this thing as something to do.
So, as you can plainly see, this thing is certainly from being bored but its also to keep me amused.
Oh the irony. | | |
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Ginger
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evenutally's journal![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_boy/silly.gif){kind=small}
giggly![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_boy/okay.gif){kind=small}
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bored